They say “dress for the job you want”, so by that logic there are ways to dress so poorly that no normal office job will want you. And by god, there are. Forget avoidable pitfalls like “fit”, "material”, and "your boss hating your suit because it's nicer than his". These 20 pieces are so thoroughly unprofessional that no one with an average desk job should be caught wearing them. Check yourself against this blacklist before it's too late, man.
“Hey! Gordon Gekko wore suspenders, and he was a total badass!”, you’re thinking to yourself. The money made him a badass. And the greed. And the fact that he was a fictional character
in an ‘80s period piece
played by actor/cancer survivor/living legend Michael Douglas. Just wear a belt.
Wacky ties: Mugatu’s piano-key necktie
is a cheesy attempt to ensure your look won’t b flat.
(Double-fired if you're the sort who wanders the cube farm making puns that lame.)
If "the office" is a Southwestern Harley bar that has microwaved taquitos, but only some
nights, then you're in line for a promotion! But anywhere else, and it's your career that's getting throttled.
Pocket protectors: You read about “geek-chic” in your girlfriend’s Cosmo — which you only picked up for the sex tips, alright?! — and now you look like Milton from Office Space (more on him in a minute). Don’t do the voice. No. No. NO!
Chain wallets: Unless you work at Spencer’s Gifts’ corporate HQ, this is totally inappropriate. You’re an adult, dammit.
Baseball sunglasses: Shatterproof orange-mirror lenses and fluorescent lights don't mix.
Bruno Mars called. He said don’t quit your day job. Because you’re actually fired, AND YOU WILL NEVER OWN HIS RAKISH LOOK
Just… get out. Unless this is part of your office uniform, in which case, getting out is for the better.
Glasses without lenses:
These are the facial equivalent of ass-less chaps. If you’re about to point out that “all chaps are technically assless”, you are totally missing the point.
Square-toed shoes: Why are you wearing those rubber-soled leather blocks, dude? Are your feet shaped like that?! (If they are, your life is hard & weird. Sorry.)
Two-fingered menswear rings: A “distressed, heritage-inspired” metal bar spanning half your hand makes it pretty tough to type on a keyboard.
Sandals: No one wants to see those warlocks. Consider yourself extra-unemployed if you stroll in rocking those pre-frayed flip-flops.
Short-sleeved button-ups: Here's our man again. Stop doing this, and stop practicing your imitation, too.
Distressed, ripped, frayed, or otherwise holed denim: Your company’s dress code tentatively allows “nice” jeans, which you apparently read as “dude who goes to clubs on teen night” jeans. Learn how to read.
Elastic waistband slacks: The label said the expansion-belt was “hidden”, but you know. And so does everybody else.
High school varsity jackets: We get it. Your lax won state, a championship in which you played a totally pivotal role as statistician/waterboy. But now you’re washed up and sorta fat, and this is depressing.
Are you Mario Batali? If yes: hey, thanks for reading, man! If no: your look is cooked.
Tribal graphic tees:
No one in the office wants to hear about your CrossFit regimen as it pertains to the latest pay-per-view MMA fight. No one.
Meggings, Brocelets, and so-forth:
These puns are amazing. But your boss hates puns, and now, you
They’re doing amazing things with joggers these days, none of which include “making them look like chinos".
Dave Infante was the executive editor of
The Crosby Press until he wore all this stuff on the same day. These days, he does most of his work on Twitter, so follow along @dinfontay.