If these 13 guys and gals were real athletes, SportsCenter's seemingly unending coverage of Johnny Manziel would cease to exist. In its place, we'd find Happy Gilmore getting his ass kicked on the green at Augusta National by Bob Barker, a YouTube video of Icebox bulldozing Spike (Spike don't care!), and what would unquestionably be the best 30 for 30 ever -- Forrest Gump.
These are the characters you and I ran outside to emulate, lacing up sneakers we envisioned were P.F. Flyers as we stumbled out the door looking for a beast to pickle.
You can think of this as the Fictional Athlete Hall of Fame (FAHF), and these are the initial inductees:
Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle: White Man Can’t Jump
The pickup basketball hustlers who only cared about one color: green.
Mel Clark: Angels In The Outfield
The lovable, over-the-hill, chain smoker that had angels, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on his side and clinched the pennant with the 160th pitch of the ballgame.
Shane Falco: The Replacements
He went from being a star college football player, to living on a house boat, to leading Jimmy McGinty's rag tag Washington Sentinels to the playoffs. Of course he's been inducted.
Icebox: Little Giants
She didn't give a sh*t how menacing Spike Hammersmith was and played a very
important role in the success of "The Annexation of Puerto Rico" play.
Sidenote: This is her now.
Charlie Conway and Gordon Bombay: The Mighty Ducks
Without Charlie, Gordon Bombay is a drunk-driving defense attorney with a temper and horrid pee-wee hockey past. Without Gordon, Charlie Conaway is a triple-dekeless, slightly above average street roller hockey athlete. But together... together, they are legendary.
Rocky Balboa: Rocky
No explanation necessary.
Bobby Boucher: The Water Boy
"My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush."
Solid logic, seems legit.
Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez: Sandlot
He gave Smalls the confidence to catch a baseball/guided him out of L7 weenie territory, pickled the beast, and went on to play in the (fictional) Major Leagues.
Bill Murray: Space Jam
Con: He doesn't play defense.
Pro: He's Bill f*cking Murray.
Rick Vaughn: Major League
The former inmate, whose 96mph fastball could only be brought under control by a pair of black, wire framed glasses.
Forrest Gump: Forrest Gump
He went on a three year, coast-to-coast marathon, defeated China in ping pong, and was an All-American at the University of Alabama. Not to mention started his own multi-million dollar shrimp company and coined the phrase "Sh*t Happens".
Happy Gilmore: Happy Gilmore
This one is more of a feel good induction, not to take away from Happy's golfing ability, which was admittedly pretty solid. The dude saves Grandma Gilmore from the sadistic wrath of nursing home caretaker Ben Stiller, AND wins the Tour Championship along the way.
Ty Webb: Caddyshack
Ty is like a good-hearted antithesis to Happy. He's finically well off, a playboy, but still one hell of a golfer (as indicated by his putting ability in the above video).
Christopher DiScipio is a staff writer for Thrillist Media Group and he feels bad about leaving out Boobie Miles. Follow him on Twitter @ChrisDiScipio.