It's been said before that no man has perfected the onerous fusion of jean and shorts. But you know what? I disagree. I love jorts. I unironically adore these trimmed trousers and I’m not talking about the ankle-length, cargo-pocketed, hammer-holding pair Ron down at the Raceway is rocking— no, I'm talkin' about a nuanced cut-off. Slim fit and cropped at mid-thigh, with an optional thin cuff if you’re looking to get crazy. It takes a special kind of guy to gear up in the jean briefs. “Hipsters”, some may claim, but I refuse to accept this overplayed categorization of humans as an all-inclusive personality write-off and generalization of jean shorts wearers!
But yeah, sure, hipsters wear them. And I don’t hate it. Here's why:
They’re environmentally friendly
A dude who unashamedly wears the blue denim Bermudas is probably a DIY kinda guy; repurposing old Wranglers & mason jars and things of that nature. I’m not mad at that. I’ll hope that noticeable distressing isn’t bought from Urban Outfitters, but to be honest, I’m not going to be a stickler about it. Just don’t tell me and everything is gravy.
They're traditionally manly, yet sensitive
They just look sturdy and rugged. Kind of like what I imagine a relationship with a dude in denim jorts would be like. He’s probably really into harmless fun like going to amateur improv comedy shows and making pesto from organic herbs grown on his windowsill, but he can also chop me down a goddamn Fraser Fir and drag it home with his bare hands for firewood if ever there was a need. There probably won’t ever be a need though, because if he’s wearing jorts he probably lives in a warm climate.
They indicate a sense of humor
Have you ever met a dude parading jorts who doesn’t have at least a vague air of hiii-larious cynicism and sarcasm? It’s dubious. Few things are more attractive to me than a healthy dose of droll misanthropy at the expense of advertisers/internet writers/graphic designers... and he is definitely an advertiser or an internet writer or a graphic designer. So he’s also creative — soulful, even. Jorts are inherently ridiculous, so to wear them, one must also be constitutionally absurd. I dig that.
They indicate confidence
This one time, in the midst of a particularly grueling college football tailgate, a guy friend and I were so hot, hotter than we’ve ever been, that on the way to the stadium we decided to saunter over to a vintage store on State St. to find a pair of shorts. But the store didn’t have any shorts, only ancient Levis and a pair of scissors. So we amputated those butt-huggers and wore them all day and into the night, pausing our groove only once to ward off/ fight/ run away from a particularly cantankerous school of Betas who were v. offended by my pal's choice to pair his denim thigh-trumpeters with a madras blazer. Which, in retrospect, makes no sense because madras is certainly a Beta move
. Anyway, you know what jorts and a jazzy madras blazer says? Self-confidence, that’s what.
Anyone can wear them free of fear from dirty subculture connotations. We’ve come a long way from a time when jorts were the purview of broke punks and grunge scenesters. Jorts are American freedom embodied, and not in the sense that Ron down at the Raceway continues to superfluously flex his Second Amendment rights at Arby's, but that Ron can sport his jorts just as well as any Dolt Lundgren at a Midwestern state school, or lumberjack, or tenderfooted urban-dwelling improv-enthusiast who enjoys canning pesto. Jorts equal love for humankind, guys.
Carrie Dennis is a writer for The Thread and is not even going to address women in jorts because she’s a big supporter of equal rights and believes her stance on this is implied. Follow her on Twitter at @CarrrieDennnis.