Chances are, unless you're a regular at Turkish bath houses, porn shoots, or nudist colonies, the closest you've ever strayed to a mass gathering of semi-naked strangers is the beach. And unless it was one of America's best nude beaches, you were probably sporting swim trunks. Therefore, in an ongoing effort to keep you looking your best, so you can do other things like dominate Pro Kadima and house Amstel Radlers, we've created a handy guide that'll help you choose the perfect trunks based on body size & shape:
Three general guidelines
1. Keep 'em short: Think less European man-thong and more fitted trunk that hits above the knee. It'll make you feel confident, appear trimmer, and not look like a prepubescent tween who's sporting a body-engulfing suit with illogical neon flames down the side.
Pro-tip: If you feel uncomfortable sporting shorter trunks, try them with vertical stripes. They'll make even the most truncated suits appear longer.
2. Avoid elastic: You want a suit with a flat front that you can tie and control how much it’ll cinch your glorious gut. Those elastic dad bands will take your muffin top from 2014 Jonah Hill to '07 Jonah Hill and that's super bad, son.
Note: If you've been working on those abdominal muscles all winter you can opt for a suit that buttons. Otherwise, stick with the waist-forgiving drawstring.
3. Know your inseam: Any trunks worth wearing will have one of four inseam lengths (in inches): 5, 7, 9, 11. In most cases, all four of these will hit above your knee, with 5" equaling the shortest. To figure out which inseam is best for you, take into consideration your height, stature, comfort level, and ability to high-kick like Jonathan Brandis in Sidekicks. If Chuck Norris wants to partner up, it's a fit.
For skinny dudes
Who you are: The guys who's constantly being asked about his health and if you're eating enough. Some people assume you have drug issues. They're just genetic issues. You'd love to gain a few lbs.
Your fit: Keep it short and look for narrow leg openings. The only thing you have to worry about is having too much suit -- you'll look like you're swimming in nylon. Experiment with a variety of patterns and colors, but keep in mind that horizontal stripes will widen your frame (which is a good thing).
For fit dudes
Who you are: You've been banging out rows and lat pulldowns all winter, and you CANNOT wait to take your clothes off. That sample of pre-workout from your local supplement store really gets your heart racing, but you'd rather spend the dough on some Glutamine/BCAA pills.
Your fit: Attention grabbing trunks with a short inseam in a bright color/ambitious pattern. You’ve worked your ass off, and have the confidence to pull 'em off, so don't be shy about subconsciously asking people to look at you.
For big dudes
Who you are: You were never allowed to leave the table until your entire plate(s) was spotless, and, out of fear of an even larger parental guardian, continue this tradition well into your latter years. You thoroughly enjoy guzzling 1/2 gallons of whole milk and think of almond milk as a diary-less travesty.
Your fit: A muted color, sans patterns and stripes. If you can't fathom life without patterns, make sure it's subversive/not highlighter pink and teal gingham.This'll keep you lookin' trim without diverting eyes to those handles no one seems to love. Do not resort to a long, baggy suit -- that's just going to add size to your frame.